Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
