Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
