i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
