I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
