could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
