Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My vagina is officially offended.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
