just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
