you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
