I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
