We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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