Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
