Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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