I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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