Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
