If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
