Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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