Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
