May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
