So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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