The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
