When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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