Your face is a jimmy john
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
