you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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