It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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