my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
