I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
