I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
