Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
