I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
