I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
