I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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