i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
