i just wanna soil my oats bro
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
