today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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