So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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