my phone needs a breathalizer
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You can't motorboat a personality
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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