We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
