You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
