toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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