All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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