Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
