there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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