I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
