I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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