apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
