i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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