Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
