Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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