So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
