god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
